I’m Sorry

I’m sorry we didn’t make it to your kid’s birthday party. 

We had full intentions to go, honest . Except the night before Malachi or Olyvia (or both) took late naps after a long day of therapy and were up until midnight bouncing off the walls. Justin and I probably spent the entire night shooting dirty looks at each other if the other one so much as looked like they were even trying to sleep.

Then, because of whatever reason, the morning of the party one of our kids was up at 6 am. (After staying up until midnight,  mind you). So, not only are we operating on very little sleep, but now we are also stressing out because our kids didn’t get near enough sleep which will either result in them eventually losing it or another late nap. Which means repeating that entire night, again. 

Not to mention, my kids and I all have celiacs disease. Which means even little amounts if gluten really messes us up big time. So worrying about what is going to be available to eat is huge. Sure, we bring our own stuff everywhere we go and we don’t expect anyone to make us anything special, but will there be a massive tray of cupcakes sitting at a table that’s eye level to my son? Will I spend the entire hour or two that we are at the party trying to keep him away from the cupcakes? Because most likely that is the case. And I’ve dealt with it at enough birthday parties to know that I’m really not trying to do it again.  Especially after a late night/early morning. 

I’m Sorry we didn’t make it to the family gathering 

Let me start this one off by saying that, contrary to what a lot of people may believe, we really truly want to attend these gatherings. It isnt some ploy that we come up with to get out of socializing because GOD KNOWS WE NEED SOME FREAKING SOCIALIZING. 

However,  I have also been to many family gatherings and I know how these things work for us. People try to talk to us and we have to run away after half a sentence because one of our kids is, again, going for the cupcakes (or whatever desert you can think up). Or running out the door. Or trying to tip over the tv. Or falling off the table and bashing their heads. Literally Justin and I have to each take a kid and chase them around the entire time we are there which means zero socializing and a lot of physical activity. Why? To make an appearance? So people know that we were there? So they can get a glimpse of our kids? 

Here’s an idea come over to our house. Then you can see the kids in their own environment and they probably will actually pay attention to you. Then you can actually have a conversation with us instead of watching us chase them around or hold them while they cry. It’s miserable for them, and it’s miserable for us. 

Also, Justin works. He works a lot. (Somehow he works a ton and it’s still not enough but that’s another blog post) sometimes if we want a whole day together we have to request it off. A lot of times, we can’t afford for him to request it off. Most of these events he has to work. And No. Way. In. Hell. Am I doing everything I just mentioned alone.

I’m Sorry I Finally Quit Putting Up With Shit From You. 

If you are one of these people,  I apologize. I spent my whole relationship with you putting your feelings ahead of my own. Forgiving you for lying amd manipulating. Forgiving you for flaking when I needed you most. Putting up with dramatic situation after dramatic situation because I really cared about your well being more than my own. I really was willing to let you suck the life out of me if it meant you were okay. 

Well, this year I realized I need to be well In order to run a happy, successful household.  This last year I’ve stood up to the masses. I’ve stood up to doctors. I’ve been looked in the face and told that my son’s medical care was not good enough and that I was “confused “. I’ve chosen a path that is so overgrown that i need every ounce of strength I have to get through it. 

Which means there is no room left for you. 

You we’re sucking valuable emotional strength from me that I need to emotionally support this family. I spent a lot of my life loving you and trying to be there for you, and I just can’t any longer. 

I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call

These days Malachi is beginning to imitate Olyvia. Which is awesome!!! Except Olyvia is in a very serious attention seeking stage. She’s going through a lot of heavy emotions, and she really needs a lot of attention from me, and she really needs a lot of help working through those emotions. So my days consist of her constantly testing the waters. If I even take my attention off of her for a few minutes, she’s doing something naughty to try and get it back again. I know this is normal, because I remember Malachi going through  the same stage at the same age. However, now that she’s doing that and now that he’s starting to imitate, he is also doing all of these attention-seeking behaviors. So in reality it’s like having twins.

Which means talking on the phone is quite literally impossible most of the time, and honestly I feel bad doing it. I spend so much time on the phone with doctors, giving and measuring supplements, organizing and prepping food for special diets, doing dishes because I cook everything,  and attempting to maintain a relatively clean house that I feel guilty being on the phone ! All of those things I must do and giving them attention while doing them is pretty difficult. So ignoring them even more while I’m on the phone with you is not something that I’m going to do. Not often anyway. 

I know that it may seem like Justin and I have became completely unsocial in the blink of an eye. I know it may seem like our absences are “convenient ” or “planned”. What you must understand though, is nothing about our life is convenient or planned. We changed quickly because our life changed quickly. And all we’re doing is trying to manage it the best we can. Please know that we do feel guilty about the things that we miss. We do feel guilty about all of the decisions that we make that may negatively affect someone outside of our family, But also know this: our family must be our number one priority at this moment in our life. Maybe one day we will be able to do all of those things again with ease. Maybe one day we’ll be Social Butterflies like we both secretly long to be, but at the moment our place is here at home. 

As always …..💙💙💙 

My Exitus

Last year we were rocked with the news that our child was sick. We grieved the loss of the life we always thought we would have, while trying to adjust to a new one. I learned a lot about myself last year, but this year, I’m learning a lot about you, society. 

My son is non-verbal, which means that he does not speak in words like you or I. I have learned that, to society, this means he simply has nothing to say. Furthermore,  people believe it must mean he has no significant thought processes, no yearning for communication.  This couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Society has became so busy, and so reliant on speech and media alone, that we have lost our ability to pay attention to detail. You say my son is refusing to communicate with you, but while you were on your phone you missed the eye contact and half smile that spoke a million words. While you were busy talking to someone else, you missed my son say his own form of a word.  You missed that he was looking at you and trying so desperately to tell you something.  While you were busy trying to snap photo after photo,  you missed that he looked right into his sister’s eyes and smiled. 

All we are is media. I’m guilty of it myself! Facebook is set up so that we are able to see whatever we want to see. If we are curious about war and politics,  that’s all our feed is filled with. If we are into debating vaccines, that’s all our feed is filled with.  As your interests change, so does your feed. You become angry and hostile about things you want to be angry and  hostile about. You literally create your own world, we all do, that we believe is truth. Then, we get caught up in it. 

Children are so primal. They learn so much about the world before they ever even learn to speak. They learn quickly that we always have a phone attached to our hand. They learn quickly that, to get us away from our phone, they must act out. They must misbehave to gain attention that we should give them without question, but don’t because we are sucked into media instead. Our minds are clogged with the the five different conversations we are having on messenger.  We are trying so desperately to be polite and social and converse with our friends online, we snap at our kids for trying to play with us “because can’t we have just a little time to ourselves?!” In reality that time is all day. That conversation drags,  all day. 

For what?! Why? For us to be stuck in a world that we create? For us to be in constant communication with people that we barely know while we ignore the ones closest to us? We operate under the guise of “advocacy” and “sharing and gaining knowlegde”, but for what price? Is our hunger for more and more knowledge really worth the strain it puts on our relationships? Is it really worth what it is doing to our kids? 

We are addicted. All of us. We share every waking moment of our kids and our lives on media so that we get likes and comments. We all have our heads bent down staring at our phones, watching YouTube videos while the world around us deteriorates and we dont even notice! We post about wanting to help the world and wanting to spread awareness for certain things,  but what are we actually doing to help? How can we be helping when our heads are in our phones?  

Our houses are messy because we read blog after blog about how it’s “Okay to let the house go” because we just have “no time with the kids” but what if you took all the time you spent on your phone in a day  and spent that same time cleaning? Your house would be organized and in turn you would be happier. 

Why are kids entitled? Why is this generation of children the “worst we have ever seen”? Everyone cries that we don’t spank them enough and that’s the problem,  but I beg to differ. The problem is,  they are ignored. They don’t know how to be social because no one has ever taught them.  They have grown up attached to media! Parents want to be on their phones, so they turn on the tv for thier tiny babies and then eventually buy thier kids their own phone.  These teenagers have grown up living in their own social media world that they have created

 What if, instead of arguing on Facebook, instead of replying to comments,  instead of checking our Instagram feed, instead of texting all day long, we took all those oppportunities to teach our kids? What if we had all that time to clean and organize our houses? We could take our two year olds and give them a broom and take a half an hour to sweep the floor. Instead of having five quick minutes and then yelling at them for getting in the way. 

I love updating  everyone on our family. People care, and I love that.  However,  I’m sick of people just caring online. What about in real life? What about coming over and seeing for yourself? I’m done with it. I want to go back to the basics. I’m trading in my “smart” phone for an older phone. We are going to eventually acquire a computer so we can have access to the internet once in awhile, but not at our finger tips. Unplugging is the only way I feel we could ever truely be happy. The only way I can be the absolute best parent I can be. The only way I can give my family the attention they deserve. 

If you are curious about how we are doing, schedule a time to come over! Call me. I want to communicate a more natural way, and trust me I want my kids to be social 😉 

I think people are amazing, I just think we have lost our ability to be free. We are bound by media and it’s impossible to live our lives. Let it go. Let yourself be free. 💙